Masterpiece

This is a poem that I wrote a few years ago. At the time, I was struggling, heavily, with how I looked and finding every flaw in myself. The other day, I went back and read some of my poetry, like I sometimes do and this little gem melted my heart and helped me see exactly how I want to see myself. The attitude that I/we should all have. It is one thing to want to be healthy it is another to criticize every minute detail. I worked very hard on this poem and most of the time I do not share my poetry with people. Please, do not copy this poem as your own. You may share it, but please, credit me for the work and heart poured into it.

Masterpiece

  Cassie Taber

Look at me!

Just look at the disaster I have become!

These colors don’t blend well.

The shape, here, just won’t do.

There are scratches that won’t fade

And spaces He didn’t fill.

The paint has bubbled here

And drips where it shouldn’t.

The colors are too pale,

Too bright or light for anyone to see

Yet, He calls me His masterpiece?

Some work of art I am!

I am nowhere near perfect.

There is so much that is wrong,

So much that I would change.

“But I’m not finished with you, yet,”

A gentle voice tells me,

Hurt by my thoughts

As a brush clinks against the jar that held it.

His steady hand guides the brush to my canvas.

Who am I to tell the artist

What is good and what needs to change

When I am the one who cannot see the whole picture?

After all, He calls me His masterpiece.

 

 

 

Feel free to leave comments below. I do always enjoy hearing from you. Also, check out my other posts!

 

Please remember that you are beautiful and well loved. 

The Struggle is Real

Warning: This post is not about crafts. This is some serious stuff.

I didn't realize, until last night, when I broke down in tears because I'm trying to juggle life and there may have been a few more lemons added to my pile, that I'm not who I was. In some ways I am:

I'm no where near perfect
I am independent to a fault
In my imperfections, I struggle.

Before my parent's divorce, I didn't see myself in bad light. I was starry eyed and believed what everyone said. I could take compliments. All that changed in the divorce. I'm not exactly sure when it was but I started seeing everything that was wrong.

My legs were too long, and thighs to big. So, I refused to wear shorts.
My feet are long, so I wore sneakers and kept my feet covered.
I refused to let anyone touch me. I refused to let anyone see me. I hated myself, how I looked. I hated it when people said "You look just like your mother/father" so I piled long sleeves and pans on. I didn't want to be noticed so I wore doofy glasses and I didn't give a care what anyone thought. I wasn't pretty. I didn't want to be pretty.

I wanted to be invisible for several reasons. I was happy when my classmates didn't know I existed when the subs called my name and I quietly raised my hand. I was happy when they didn't know me. I was invisible in the classroom. I felt unseen at home and to add to it, I literally began to fade into nothing. I stopped eating at school. I would go to the library during lunch hour. I barely ate at home, only when I felt shaky or my stomach hurt from having nothing for too long. When I was in High school, I weighed less than 100 pounds at 5'7".

When I came to college, I started to go to church. I wanted to take better care of myself so I asked people to help me remember to eat, every day. After attending church, for some time, I began to feel beautiful, not just because I was eating but because I truly believed that God had made me beautiful. I was that starry-eyed girl again. I didn't mind the hugs. I didn't mind the compliments, I knew my flaws but they didn't hang like a dark cloud, over me.

Then, I moved to a different town. I didn't have a church to go to (and I'm not saying that this is the church's). We began to struggle financially when I did my internship. So, I ate less. I would skip breakfast, have a snack for lunch and ate very little for dinner. It has since continued. There are honestly days that I try not to eat so that my husband will have enough food. Even though we have food in the house. I am, again, teetering on the line between okay weight and underweight.

I see my flaws, all of them and it looms over me:
My thighs are big, my legs are too long, my toes look like monkey feet, my hair is a mess, my face broke out with acne, I have a bit of a stomach, my teeth aren't pure white, I have so many scars from the past and I bruise easily.

This week, I have been struggling, at work, to feel like I'm doing my job well. The way some people talked, I wasn't doing a very good job. Although other factors were involved with me not being able to complete my work, I'm never one for excuses.

I struggled this week, at home. We have been without a vehicle for over a year and I see how it affects my husband. Knowing that I am unable to provide that small luxury to him, for this long, makes me feel worthless. I work five to six days a week but when I'm home, I am lazy. I feel like society says that even if I work outside of the home, the home is still my domain and therefore I must cook, clean and take care of all of my famillies needs. My husband is sweet and keeps up on most of it. He never tells me that I have to clean or cook. I feel like I should. In that, it adds to the feeling that I am not a very good wife.

When he compliments me, I counter it with a flaw. He says he likes my legs, I say they are too fat. He says I'm perfect, I say I have a stomach, he says that's normal, I feel like I want to cry.

Then I read some notes that I had written on Facebook. I will have to re-post them here. They made me realize how I am to myself and I want to cry in shame. How long have I been writing these posts and I close out with "Remember you are beautiful and well loved" and here I am not believing that.

I struggle with how I see myself. I don't see myself in the way that everyone seems to see me. That's the truth. I don't say things to fish for compliments. When I am "down on myself" I truly believe what I say. I struggle with eating and I struggle with trying to please everyone and never feeling like I do. I don't expect anyone to understand but it is very real to me. My struggle is real and we all have our battles.

In the next few days, I will be publishing some of my notes and perhaps some poems I have written, to this blog. I know that it isn't yarn and I have been working on my yarn projects. I haven't really finished anything yet. I keep jumping projects. When I do finish them or start a new one, I will update the progresses.

Until then, if you will please remember that you are beautiful and well loved, I will try to remember too.

Please, feel free to write comments below, I always do enjoy hearing from you.

A lyric video of a song I turn to help me feel better.

Rememberance of 9/11

September 11, 2001 is the day that America will never be able to forget. The date is already inscribed in our history books and the tragedy is already explained to those who are too young to remember. It was a day that all hearts broke, in unison. Fear and anger struck America as innocence was lost in the crashing towers and the pentagon.

I, myself, do not remember 9/11. I would have just turned eleven and I think I would have been in the sixth grade. My brother tells me that we went to a private school. I don't remember that either. I had a brain tumor and I suppose that there was a lot that I missed. Even the sound of a hundred-thousand breaking hearts did not wake me. For that, I feel guilty.

I do remember 9/11/2002. I remember the panic that I felt when I saw the planes crashing on the news. I remember crying and thinking that it was happening then. I remember the sound of the silent shatter of my heart as I watched the planes fly into the Pentagon and people falling from the towers. I remember wondering why my family wasn't hurt by it and I didn't realize that it had already happened. While all of America's shattered hearts had been mended together and a fire lit to protect what was left, I was left to mend mine, a year later, alone.

I remember the horror. I remember the heartbreak. I remember the loneliness. I remember where I was and what I was doing, a year later. I remember going to high school and the same question every year, "Where were you on 9/11/2001?".

My heart still breaks for everyone we lost in those tragedies, in the planes and in the war that began in response.

New Directions

Have you ever felt lost but still kept going in the same direction because you think it won't get you more lost if you have to turn around? Have you ever felt that bad things keep happening and when you look up to see the stars, you find your path is covered by trees that hide the light?

Honestly, I have too.

These past couple of months, I have been struggling with a lot of things. I'm a girl who knows where I want to go and I have a plan to get there. Turns out, my plan isn't always the best one. Thankfully my heart is my compass and even though these past couple of months have been full of stress and a desperate search for a way out of a horrible situation, when I followed the compass it led me to a clearing.

I was working for this company that I loved working for when I first started. The managment team was a team. Customers were happy and kept happy, no matter the cost. People started to leave and things started to change for the worse. Customers and employees were not treated with kindness and honestly, I was ashamed to say that I was a part of that team. I knew that what I was doing was right but it felt that I was the only one doing it. New faces came and went. It got better, then worse. I started searching for another job after I realized that the company did not care much about the employees, just about how to cut costs. They stopped caring about good customer service and being the bigger person.

I had been asking my family and friends to pray. I didn't tell them what to pray for because, quite frankly, I didn't know what to pray for either. I wanted a way out but I know that my plan is not always the best one. So, I waited, prayed and asked for others to pray with me. I had many interviews over the last few months. Two weeks ago, I had an interview with another company. I loved the feeling when I walked in. Even those who are not in management are part of the team. Everyone is striving to reach the same goal and I like that. I like working on a team who actually works as a team. I was given a second interview with the Director of the company. They asked some tough questions that made me question the plans I thought I had. Those questions I still need to answer. The director seemed to take a liking to me and said that I would be a perfect fit for the company. There is room to grow and be able to provide for my family.

I didn't hear anything for a while. Today, I receive a phone call from my new boss. She gave me great news and I start my new job, this week. She quoted my salary at a number I was not expecting but even if I start out as part time, I will be able to provide for my family. I know that God watches us and He knows what we need. Sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for His direction, not our own.

So, I think I am going to follow my career in this new direction.

Also, with crocheting, I might be taking that in a new direction as well. I am thinking of patterns to create. My own that will be published on Ravelry. I would love for my patterns to be in a magazine one day, but first thing is first: I need to write some patterns.  I am still working on my first graph-gahn pattern. There are so many ideas that I am getting or smaller projects. If only I could put the picture from my head to the yarn, that would be swell.

New directions are sometimes a bit nerve racking. I have a really good feeling about these. Of course, my thirst for adventure may never be quenched but, I do love adventure. I am so thankful to my husband who has put up with all of me. The stress, the long nights and my rants. He has gotten upset alongside me and for me. He is my rock and the reason I have smiled. I am going to take these next couple of days off and spend them with him. He doesn't believe me, but I could have never asked for a better gentleman to go on these life adventures with.

Remember, you are beautiful and well loved.

Also, happy first birthday to my cousin, Miles! I'm sorry we can't be there to help you celebrate.

Lessons Learned From Mom

I have learned many things from my mom as well as my dad. Some of the lessons overlap and there are still lessons that don't.

1. Only you have to be comfortable in your own skin.
2.  If there is something you don't like, change it.
3. Make up is an accessory not an outfit.
4. People do what they believe is right, even when the rest of the world thinks they are wrong.
5. No matter how much you have been hurt or scarred you are NEVER broken
6. Being strong doesn't mean that you never cry and being brave does not mean never walking away
7. For every uphill struggle, there is a downhill coast
8. Don't fear change
9. Forgive quickly
10. Sometimes, all you need to do is listen 
11. Love people for who they ARE, not what you think they should or would be
12. Second chances never run out. The moment you give up on someone is when you will miss the moment you have been waiting for
13. Forgiveness does not let the person off the hook, it simply removes the hook from your own mouth
14. Live with no regrets. There is something to be learned from every mistake
15. A garden was never grown overnight, neither are relationships

What are some life lessons you learned from your mother/mother figure?

Remember that you are beautiful and well loved.

Lessons learned from Dad

1. Even the strongest person in the world can hurt
My dad was always Superman, in my eyes. Bulletproof and never feared anything. I never saw him hurt, except when I was hurting too. I don't remember much from when I had a brain tumor, but what I do remember is moments captured in time. He would give me my I.V.'s (he was a medic, so he could), I would cry but I tried not to after the first time I did and I saw his face. It hurt him too. Once, my migraines were so bad they gave me morphine and I'm told that I was still screaming. I don't remember but mom said he cried then too. It hurt him that he couldn't do anything to help me. I know that I have hurt him too. Superman was still hurt by Kryptonite even if he was bulletproof.
2. Things, are just things. If they get broken or lost, it is okay because all that matters is that everyone is okay. You can't replace people but you CAN replace things.
 My dad had this hat that I really loved. It was kind of like an Indiana Jones style hat with a rattle snake tail on it. I played with the tail all the time because it rattled. I knew that it was Dad's favorite hat and one day the tail broke off. I burst into tears thinking of how much trouble I was going to be in and that I just broke Dad's favorite hat. Instead of being angry, he wrapped his arms around me and the first thing he said was "Are you okay?" When I nodded through sobs, he said told me this lesson: "Things can be replaced. As long as you are not hurt, I'm not angry." Then he held me until I stopped crying.

And the rest have too many stories to pick just one:

• Love people for who they ARE, not what you think they should or would be
• You can do anything that you set your mind to
• People are often wrong about what they think you are capable of, the only thing stopping you is You
• You are well loved, even if you think you are alone
• Love is not bound by distance or time
• Second chances never run out. The moment you give up on someone is when you will miss the moment you have been waiting for
• Forgiveness does not let the person off the hook, it simply removes the hook from your own mouth
• Live with no regrets. There is something to be learned from every mistake.
• If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.
• A garden was never grown overnight, neither are relationships.
• Treat others how you want to be treated. Respect is never given without some in return.

What are some life lessons that you learned from your father/father figure?

Remember that you are beautiful and well loved!

I'm Probably Still, Daddy's Girl

 

I know that it is a little late, but I wanted to write a Father's Day post.

First, I want to say that I love my dad. I am seen as very independent but somewhere inside, I know that I was and probably still am a Daddy's Girl.  My dad was born into the military. His dad, my Papa was in the military and my dad followed. He is an amazing human being, though he has made his share of mistakes. He has taught me many things and still teaches me many things.

I remember reading, throwing the ball around the yard (and in the house). I remember studying but still finding time to have fun (something I wish I remembered how to do in High School and College). He is intelligent and creative. He would build things with his hands and they were beautiful. Once, he recycled our old, wooden bed-frame, to create a ball target for pitching when my brother, Chris, was interested in Baseball. He built this really cool mantle piece that you could take the lid off and hide things. Our bookshelves were made by him. 

If he didn't know how to make or fix something, he didn't go in blind. We didn't have interenet back then and even if we did, it wasn't that fast and any time someone called it went out. Do you remember those days? He took classes at Lowes. While my brother and I made terrible attempts at building bird houses, my dad was learning how to fix the plumbing, peel the horrible puke pink wallpaper off our bathroom wall, fix our popcorn ceiling and whatever else they offered. I didn't even know that plumbers and handy men existed because my dad was all of that. 

I think I get my independence from him. I was already independent but when I saw all that he could do, I wanted to do it too. I wanted to do it all and no one was going to stop me. I know that he certainly wouldn't, he hasn't tried to stop me before.

There was a time, after the divorce, that we really drifted. There were some lies that were told to me about him, but I heard them almost every day until I believed them. He would call every chance that he got just to tell me how proud he was of me and I'm not sure why he was, to this day. As soon as I hung up, I was thrown back into a world of lies and pain. Then, the e-mails stopped. The phone calls only came once in a while and I found, much later that he was not the cause of it. But, I was mad at him and if there was anything that I ever regreted in life, it is that I couldn't tell the difference between truth and lies. 

After I graduated high school, I went to his retirement. Mostly because I wanted answers and the answers I got were probably what caused a shift in the universe. My universe. I learned that he never did stop e-mailing and nither did the rest of my family. I learned that he was always and still is in my corner. I learned that I could still tell him anything and though he may tell me exactly what he thinks, he still believes in me. I learned that a father's pride is like aloe on a burn. I learned that even when it hurt to know that I didn't know, he never stopped loving me.

And when the day came, two years ago for him to walk with me he did it in a heart beat. He hadn't met Jerad before the wedding week. But he told me that I have a good head on my shoulders and if he makes me happy, go for it. He says the same thing, today about some of our choices in career, family...

I love my dad. I respect him. The way that he shows his love, the advice he gives and the example he sets for me, even still...I know I'm still his little girl and there is nothing that can change that.

I love you, Dad! Forever and Always. Thank you for always being in my corner. Even when I didn't know it. Even when it hurt that I didn't know. I'm sorry that I ever hurt you.

Remember that you are beautiful and well loved!

Afghan Swap #1

I am so sorry that I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks. Life decided to take me on a trip of it's own for a while. I was working overtime the last couple of weeks until a new Full time assistant manager was hired and now I'm back to my 20 hours and job searching while having time for crochet and blogging. Yay!

As promised, here is a picture of the afghan that I am working on for my first afghan swap!

 

I was wanting to go for more of a "Stained Glass" look. I thought that the multi-colored yarn bordered by the black would look nice. The pattern is a honeycomb afghan pattern that I found for free on Ravelry.  The afghan isn't due until December but I am starting it because afghans tend to take me a while and I don't always have time (like these last couple of weeks) to work on it. 

Actually, I have surprisingly taken a break from crocheting and I cannot express to you, how much I miss it. I need to make things. I have yarn but I just don't know what to make, as my small projects. Usually, I have one large project and 2-3 smaller projects going on at the same time. I did make a headband for St. Pattrick's Day but nothing to really write home about.

A recent conversation with a friend reminded me that I do need to take time to relax every day. Just a little bit of time for me. I love my husband, my friends, my job, my family but everyone should take a little bit of time for their self. For me, I like to crochet. Even it if is only ten minutes. I am going to make it a goal to crochet at least one row, a day, on my afghan and find another project to start.

Remember that you are beautiful and well loved.

Feel free to leave comments below and check out some projects I have worked on or finished in my previous posts.

New Years Resolutions 2015

I have never been big on New Years Resolutions. In fact, there are a lot of things about the American New years that I do not understand. I mean, really, what is the point of watching a ball drop. That is what everybody (okay, not everyone but a lot of people I know) looks forward to on New Year's Eve. It doesn't even drop fast,or explode. It is very anti-climactic in it's slowly dropping, color changing that I get way too bored and I don't see what the hype is about. If anyone can explain this American Tradition,to me, please...leave a comment because I truly don't understand.

Although I do not understand the whole, ball dropping thing. I do like that New Year's drives people to make goals to better themselves in some way or another. I think that it is important to have goals and so I made a small list of ways that I would like to improve.

1. I would like to be a better wife. I want to communicate better with my husband and show himthat I love him in a way that he understands. Our "love languages" are just so different but I really want to try hard to show him I love him. We don't see each other much since I have started working, which only means that I need to work harder at communicating.

2. I want to be a better sister to my brother-in-law,sister-in-law and brother. Most of this has to do with communication, sending letters,emails and actually getting gifts out on time. My sister-in-law is not at home and I have neglected talking with her because I didn't know what to say about some of the decsisions she has made for herself. My brother and I don't really talk much and even though I have tried, I know that I have not tried hard enough.

3. I want to be a better aunt to my niece and nephew. This means being a part of their life, somehow and getting gifts out on time.

4. Communicating better with my family. I am terrible about not sending e-mails or calling my family. Not because I don't like them and being busy isn't an excuse. I have actually written on my calendar a sort of schedule to get me started with e-mailing my family and keeping in touch. Most of my family is out of state and the closest family is a few hours away, so frequent visits are not always an option.

5. I would like to read more. I would like to read more professional literature so that I can stay caught up in education.

I think that these goals are a good start. I didn't do it just because of New Years but I did need to start making some goals. The big trend seems to be communication.  I made sure to specify how I know I have reached these goals because things like "Lose weight" doesn't have a number so if that was my goal and I lost two pounds, I would have reached it. I find that it is better to be sepecific in goals.

What are some of your New Year's Resolutions or goals?  Please, feel free to comment below.

Food to fight the Cold

I found this picture, today. It is not mine, but I did want to post it on the blog because it has something to do with Raynaud's Syndrome. I never really thought about foods that could actually help your body to keep it's temperature. I always drank hot chocolate because it is hot (duh). No matter what I put it in, it keeps my hands warm. When I sip it, it warms my core.

I have read that ginger can help people who have Fibromyalgia. It is something that my mother has and I was trying to help her find some home remedies so that she wouldn't have to take medicines. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a fan of pills, so I try to do things in a somewhat natural way. I do understand that sometimes, medicine helps. I didn't even consider the fact that ginger might help people who have Raynaud's. After all, ginger helps to improve your body's circulation.

Also, I am anemic. I have low iron, among a bunch of other vitamins and minerals that my body seems to be missing. I thought that it was interesting to learn that iron can help your body contain up to 30% of it's heat. Unfortunately, I cannot take iron supplements and my doctor has said that I could eat nothing but meat, spinach, multigrains and other iron rich foods; but I would still have low iron. I have been anemic since I was six or seven years old. I remember my first encounter with Raynaud's around that time too.

My family and I were living in Gulfport, Mississippi. It snowed for the first time and my dad took my brother and I outside to build a snowman, with all of the snow that was in our yard. We went out and bought gloves, but even with the gloves, my hands hurt. They turned interesting colors, I thought I had frost bite. I was crying and my dad didn't know what to do, except to take me inside, start the fireplace and have me roast my hands by the flames. Needless to say, I still have yet to build a snowman, and I still have yet to have decent levels of iron.

With this new knowledge, I am going to try and find other remedies that could help control the symptoms.

Feel free to comment below, if you have any thoughts, questions or comments. I would love to hear from you.

Do not forget, you are beautiful, inside and out!

Raynaud's Syndrome

I was diagnosed with Raynaud's Syndrome, a bit over a year ago. Sadly, I am just now starting to look into it and what I can do to help. I think that I am going to start writing about my findings, so that if any of you (my beautiful readers) have Ray's you can maybe learn and provide some insight. If you do not have Ray's that's still great! I think that it is good to know about it, especially if you know someone with it.

Raynaud's (ray-NODES) Syndrome/Disease, also known as Ray's, is a disorder of the small blood vessels that reduces blood flow. My doctor explained it to me like this: In the normal body, when your body experiences cold, the blood vessels open up so that more blood can reach the entire body. People who have Ray's, instead of dilating, the blood vessels shrink. This keeps a lot of the blood from reaching the extremities (hands and feet) which can really hurt. Typically, the fingers change colors (blueish-gray, purple or blue), the color really varies from person to person, when exposed to cold temperatures and turn red when they start to warm up.

There are two kinds of Rays: Primary and Secondary. Primary Raynaud's is the most common and is not associated with other medical conditions such as scleroderma, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. Primary Raynaud's has no known or apparent cause and isn't disabling. However,it still can cause a lot of pain and discomfort.

It is not known whether Raynaud's is hereditary. Also, there is no known cure. The most that can be done is to try and control the symptoms and be in the least amount of discomfort as possible.

People with Ray's are often said to have cold hands all of the time. I know that when I greet people at church, I usually get some comment about the temperature of my hands. Even the little old ladies say my hands are freezing. I used to avoid shaking hands but I find that their hands are warmer and it feels nice. Ha!

Those who do not have Ray's have a difficult time understanding, exactly what goes on. My family used to, and I think sometimes do, think that I complained to much about my hands hurting when they were cold. To me, it feels like I am getting frostbite, just by grabbing some chicken from the freezer. My husband, God bless him,has gotten so much better at dealing with my Raynaud's. He is quick to remind me to put my gloves on before I get something frozen, or he will get it for me. He is also, very concerned about my hands when the car hasn't warmed up yet or I decide that I want to go for a short walk in the winter. We are still trying to figure out ways to keep my hands from hurting. Especially since I have yet to build a snowman.

So, join me, on an adventure of my own, and learn more about Raynaud's whether you have it, know someone who has it, or are just curious. Raynaud's affects 5-10 percent of the population.

Not to worry, I will still post about all of my other adventures and the little things in life that make me smile. But, Raynaud's Syndrome, has made itself a part of my life. Thank you!

Remember that you are beautiful.

scleroderma (also known as systemic sclerosis), lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus) and rheumatoid arthritis - See more at: http://www.raynauds.org/frequently-asked-questions/#sthash.qChrArpg.dpuf

scleroderma (also known as systemic sclerosis), lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus) and rheumatoid arthritis - See more at: http://www.raynauds.org/frequently-asked-questions/#sthash.qChrArpg.dpuf

scleroderma (also known as systemic sclerosis), lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus) and rheumatoid arthritis - See more at: http://www.raynauds.org/frequently-asked-questions/#sthash.qChrArpg.dpuf

Something worth fighting for.

I know that it has been a while, over a month, since my last post.  A lot has happened, but mostly I have been working late and just trying to keep from sinking into debt. I'm sure that many of you can relate to my situation. Credit cards and student loans are the bane of finances.

I graduated from college in May of 2014. Yay! I have a degree! A shiny piece of paper tucked away in a frame that, like many people who graduate, I haven't been able to do anything with, yet.

In fact, I have had a long battle with the university I graduated from. I went to school to become an elementary teacher. I fought the college to graduate and even the day of graduation, I wasn't sure that my name was going to be on the list. My Godmother had come up just to see me walk and my husband and mother-in-law were there as well. Thankfully, I was able to graduate, after tens of phone calls, pulling higher names and praying that I wouldn't fall on my face in high heels as I walked to recieve my fake degree. (Which, by the way turned out to be some "welcome to the alumni association" paper).  As I walked up, the Dean of the College of education handed me the rolled up paper, grinned and said, "I see they couldn't keep you out. You deserve it, now smile!" The camera flashed and I walked on with pride. She had helped me in my battle to graduate.

Today, I am still fighting the university, pulling higher names and trying not to drown in the feeling of utter failure and hopelessness.

In March, the registrar's office took me out of my student teaching seminar, without my knowledge or permission. They refunded me the money (after the refund date had LONG past) and then put me back in. All the while, I was still attending my seminars, unaware that any of this had been going on. I was a good girl and did my taxes. The money I had been refunded was very close to the same amount I was to receive from taxes, So, when I looked in my bank, I thought nothing of it and used the money to pay some bills I was behind on (because it was the university policy that I wasn't to work while student teaching. Understandable but frustrating). When my taxes were actually returned to me, it was far less than what I expected, some of it had been garnished to pay a bill that I forgot. This confused me and when I realized the mistake, I paid the univeristy all of my return, which only covered half of what I had used. Since then, I have tried to reason with the college and either convince them to drop the charges because it was their mistake or set up a payment plan that I could afford.

They refused both, wanting the payment in full.

Here is where it gets more frustrating.

I work a minimum wage job, part time. I would love to work full time but there aren't enough hours and I'm looking for a second job. So is everyone else. I am not yet certified to teach, because I need to observe in an Urban classroom for 40 hours. I live in a very rural area and the closest urban school is an hour away and we barely have enough gas in the tank to get me to and from work. However, I can substitute teach. In order to complete the application, I have to have my transcripts from the university.

Here's the frustrating part.

Becasue of the university's mess up, I now have an overdue account AND I can't get my transcripts. So, that means I can't sub, which means I can't pay the university for their mistake and mine.

Granted, I should have returned all of the money but it was an honest mistake on my part. I would have never been mistaken had the university not messed with my class schedule. If they didn't do that...I would be substituting in classrooms and I would probably have my hours finished. Which means, that had the university not messed up, I would be certified to teach, right now.

But nothing worthwhile was ever obtained without a fight, it seems. I was born to teach. I want nothing more than to teach. I love teaching. I love my students. I love working with teachers who have the same passion I do, and someday soon I will be able to do what I was born to do. First, I have to fight for it.

And believe me, education IS something worth fighting for.

Car Update

We finally have a vehicle! It is a 2001 Izusu Rodeo! One of the ladies I serve, often, was selling it. It has been kept up nicely with only a bit of work that needs to be done on it. Which for a used car, we weren't expecting to get a perfect car.

We are going to get an oil change on it and see about the battery. We think that it was acting up because of how long it had been sitting on the lot. There is a bit of rust on the bottom but that seems to happen on Michigan roads and actually has less rust than most other vehicles we were looking at.

The adventure of finding a used car, that met our needs was a wild one full of stress and anxiety but it has passed and we have found a vehicle that works for us until we can save up for a better one.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, I can now get back to my crocheting, writing and this little adventure that I have the honor of traveling with my husband, called life.

Savor the moment, and enjoy the bumps.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all" Helen Keller

When it rains, it pours...

My husband and I thought that things were starting to look up, a couple of months ago. I got a job working at Subway, close to home. We were getting caught up on bills and starting to build a savings. We were able to do more things and then the storm hit us.

Although we were getting caught up on bills, we needed a new fridge and we weren't able to eat much because of the afore mentioned bills. We received a new to us, fridge from my mother-in-law and it works wonderfully. Since then, we have gotten some help with food and can now eat more than a can of soup a day. Today, I enjoyed cold yogurt.

Minimum wage is rising, here in Michigan. That's great! Except for the idea that when minimum wage rises, hours get cut. So, instead of working close to 30 hours a week, to save the boss some money, everyone is getting cut to less than 25 hours a week. This means that even though I am getting paid more, it makes it more difficult to pay bills and I may, now, have to pick and choose which bills get paid and which ones I let go for the month.

Then, my husband and I got in a car wreck. The details are in a previous post. Although the car still runs, everything is squished against the engine and I wouldn't trust that car as far as I could throw it. That being said. We are in need of a vehicle. My husband recieved a whopping $175 fine for the accident, because technically he was at fault, even though the brakes decided to go out. Someone has to pay and it has to be us. However, I can't pay all $175, at once and we are having trouble finding a way, to that city (because we have no car) to pay half the fine. We were looking at a 2002 Ford Escape for 2,000 but we only have about 20 to our name and that is not enough for a down payment. Any loans we take out would be more than we can afford to pay back.

I just recieved a few phone calls today. The first was another bill collector that said I wasn't paying them, after locking me out of paying them, earlier this month. They, of course, want their money and I'm not sure how I can get it to them, every month. On a Subway budget.

The second call was that the money we thought we could get for the car, we can't get right now. So, instead of getting the car, this weekend, we have to wait another week or month. Yay. Even then, payments will be an issue.

And even though all of this is going on, I have many blessings that I choose to count instead. Yes, we got in a car accident, but no one was hurt, besides a few bruises. Sure, we have to pay a fine, but it is a one time fee and better than than have hospital bills added on top of it. My husband and I have health insurance now. We have a working refrigerator that stores the extra food we make and the foods we get on sale, and freeze. Our neighboors cut our lawn for us, because our mower is broken. My co-workers are amazing! In the time that I haven't had a car I have gotten rides home from one, and she took me to the bank to deposit my paycheck to pay the above mentoined bills. One co-worker, saw me walking the 4.5 miles to work and gave me a ride, the rest of the way.

I may not have a car or the best job. But I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a husband that I come home to, every night. We are working on getting more funds, we are both looking for a job. We have family who loves us and a church that accepts us, and is willing to give us rides to the services.

This is a song that I think of every time things start to look for the worse.

 

When it rains, it pours. When it pours,we learn to dance.

Working mother fears..

It seems that the number one question for any newly wedded couple is “So, when are you having kids?” I understand that children are the light of the future and a joy, as well as an experience to have. I think that many, if not all, married couples want to have children at some point, in their life but I don’t think that we all agree that there “is no time like the present”.

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and we are constantly hearing the question from family and friends. More recently, we have begun to talk about parenting methods and wanting to have kids. The topic of conversation usually arises when we see a cute child in the store or at the park. Our hearts immediately melt and we want nothing more than to have kids. There are a few small problems that I find.

1.      He wants kids and he wants them now. Don’t get me wrong, I want kids and I love the idea of having little feet pattering down the hall. But, I’m a little more practical thinking.

2.      I want to have a more stable job before we start having kids. Right now, I work at a fast food restaurant that does not provide health insurance, much less maternity leave. Within the next few months, I hope to have everything in line for a teaching job.

3.      I don’t think I’m ready, even though I know he is.

I’ve read a few things on the internet and in a few books that don’t calm my fears.  I am the kind of person who needs to know what to “expect when expecting”. I don’t like surprises. I look up what the doctor might do before I go in for an appointment. I hate surprises! So, I’ve done some reading.

What I read, helps a bit. I’m still nervous and what not but my nerves and fears come from something that I can’t find on the internet or in a book. I know all about the swelling that happens ALL over your body. Your feet swell, arms, legs, butt, chest, belly…everything swells and I understand some of the reasons behind the why of all of that happening. I am not comfortable with doctors, much less doctors being THAT close to my anatomy. I have resolved that I can get over it rather quickly and rant for an hour afterwards and say that I hate my doctor when I know that I’m the one that made the appointment and she is just doing her job. I know that I will need a new wardrobe and that during pregnancy, I will probably end up getting a shot, I probably won’t be paralyzed and I will most positively make a mess everywhere but I don’t need to worry because everyone does.

I know that by the end of pregnancy, I probably would not be able to see my toes enough to paint them and I will have nine months of agitating my husband because he probably won’t let me go for runs, or lift boxes, groceries and the like. I am very much independent but I hope that I will welcome his help, when the time comes.

What I am having the hardest time what happens after my nine months of bonding with the tiny humanoid mix of my genes and his. When everything is said and done and we are holding a baby boy or girl. Hopefully, a healthy one.

I worry about my parenting, his parenting and work. You see, we have talked a lot. Talking is good in any relationship so we do it quite a bit. Sometimes it is loud but that is a whole nother ballgame. We talk a lot about the future. He wants to be a stay at home dad and I’m going to teach. That is what we decided and I am okay with it. I like the idea that one of us will be home for the kids. There is just one thing that branches off into a million other fears for me.

What if our kids hate me because I work? What if I miss everything and they like him better because he his home making meals for them, playing with them and being there for them? How can I be there when they fall if I am at work? I am so afraid that I am going to miss their first word, first steps and their first smile because I will be at work but not to worry, HE will be home with our children 24/7.

I will be in a classroom of my own, teaching children that belong to someone else. This is what I have always wanted to do, but I didn’t even consider how that would work with children of my own. He thinks I’m a superhero that saves the world and can do anything, but I’m not THAT good.

I will wake up, go teach until 4, come home and help him feed our children dinner while he talks about everything THEY did while I was absent. Then, I will help them get ready for bed and watch them as they sleep, only to wake up the next day and do it again. On week days, I will be a mother for a few short hours on weekends, I hope that I would be a good mother.

I will have nine months to bond with my children in a way that no one else can and then…then what? Are there any working mothers or fathers out there who can share your experiences with these fears? I know that it has been done because people have kids all the time and somehow manage to work to provide for the family.

Please post your comments below. I know that I can’t be the only one with these fears. Or, perhaps I am.