Working mother fears..

It seems that the number one question for any newly wedded couple is “So, when are you having kids?” I understand that children are the light of the future and a joy, as well as an experience to have. I think that many, if not all, married couples want to have children at some point, in their life but I don’t think that we all agree that there “is no time like the present”.

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and we are constantly hearing the question from family and friends. More recently, we have begun to talk about parenting methods and wanting to have kids. The topic of conversation usually arises when we see a cute child in the store or at the park. Our hearts immediately melt and we want nothing more than to have kids. There are a few small problems that I find.

1.      He wants kids and he wants them now. Don’t get me wrong, I want kids and I love the idea of having little feet pattering down the hall. But, I’m a little more practical thinking.

2.      I want to have a more stable job before we start having kids. Right now, I work at a fast food restaurant that does not provide health insurance, much less maternity leave. Within the next few months, I hope to have everything in line for a teaching job.

3.      I don’t think I’m ready, even though I know he is.

I’ve read a few things on the internet and in a few books that don’t calm my fears.  I am the kind of person who needs to know what to “expect when expecting”. I don’t like surprises. I look up what the doctor might do before I go in for an appointment. I hate surprises! So, I’ve done some reading.

What I read, helps a bit. I’m still nervous and what not but my nerves and fears come from something that I can’t find on the internet or in a book. I know all about the swelling that happens ALL over your body. Your feet swell, arms, legs, butt, chest, belly…everything swells and I understand some of the reasons behind the why of all of that happening. I am not comfortable with doctors, much less doctors being THAT close to my anatomy. I have resolved that I can get over it rather quickly and rant for an hour afterwards and say that I hate my doctor when I know that I’m the one that made the appointment and she is just doing her job. I know that I will need a new wardrobe and that during pregnancy, I will probably end up getting a shot, I probably won’t be paralyzed and I will most positively make a mess everywhere but I don’t need to worry because everyone does.

I know that by the end of pregnancy, I probably would not be able to see my toes enough to paint them and I will have nine months of agitating my husband because he probably won’t let me go for runs, or lift boxes, groceries and the like. I am very much independent but I hope that I will welcome his help, when the time comes.

What I am having the hardest time what happens after my nine months of bonding with the tiny humanoid mix of my genes and his. When everything is said and done and we are holding a baby boy or girl. Hopefully, a healthy one.

I worry about my parenting, his parenting and work. You see, we have talked a lot. Talking is good in any relationship so we do it quite a bit. Sometimes it is loud but that is a whole nother ballgame. We talk a lot about the future. He wants to be a stay at home dad and I’m going to teach. That is what we decided and I am okay with it. I like the idea that one of us will be home for the kids. There is just one thing that branches off into a million other fears for me.

What if our kids hate me because I work? What if I miss everything and they like him better because he his home making meals for them, playing with them and being there for them? How can I be there when they fall if I am at work? I am so afraid that I am going to miss their first word, first steps and their first smile because I will be at work but not to worry, HE will be home with our children 24/7.

I will be in a classroom of my own, teaching children that belong to someone else. This is what I have always wanted to do, but I didn’t even consider how that would work with children of my own. He thinks I’m a superhero that saves the world and can do anything, but I’m not THAT good.

I will wake up, go teach until 4, come home and help him feed our children dinner while he talks about everything THEY did while I was absent. Then, I will help them get ready for bed and watch them as they sleep, only to wake up the next day and do it again. On week days, I will be a mother for a few short hours on weekends, I hope that I would be a good mother.

I will have nine months to bond with my children in a way that no one else can and then…then what? Are there any working mothers or fathers out there who can share your experiences with these fears? I know that it has been done because people have kids all the time and somehow manage to work to provide for the family.

Please post your comments below. I know that I can’t be the only one with these fears. Or, perhaps I am.