The Struggle is Real

Warning: This post is not about crafts. This is some serious stuff.

I didn't realize, until last night, when I broke down in tears because I'm trying to juggle life and there may have been a few more lemons added to my pile, that I'm not who I was. In some ways I am:

I'm no where near perfect
I am independent to a fault
In my imperfections, I struggle.

Before my parent's divorce, I didn't see myself in bad light. I was starry eyed and believed what everyone said. I could take compliments. All that changed in the divorce. I'm not exactly sure when it was but I started seeing everything that was wrong.

My legs were too long, and thighs to big. So, I refused to wear shorts.
My feet are long, so I wore sneakers and kept my feet covered.
I refused to let anyone touch me. I refused to let anyone see me. I hated myself, how I looked. I hated it when people said "You look just like your mother/father" so I piled long sleeves and pans on. I didn't want to be noticed so I wore doofy glasses and I didn't give a care what anyone thought. I wasn't pretty. I didn't want to be pretty.

I wanted to be invisible for several reasons. I was happy when my classmates didn't know I existed when the subs called my name and I quietly raised my hand. I was happy when they didn't know me. I was invisible in the classroom. I felt unseen at home and to add to it, I literally began to fade into nothing. I stopped eating at school. I would go to the library during lunch hour. I barely ate at home, only when I felt shaky or my stomach hurt from having nothing for too long. When I was in High school, I weighed less than 100 pounds at 5'7".

When I came to college, I started to go to church. I wanted to take better care of myself so I asked people to help me remember to eat, every day. After attending church, for some time, I began to feel beautiful, not just because I was eating but because I truly believed that God had made me beautiful. I was that starry-eyed girl again. I didn't mind the hugs. I didn't mind the compliments, I knew my flaws but they didn't hang like a dark cloud, over me.

Then, I moved to a different town. I didn't have a church to go to (and I'm not saying that this is the church's). We began to struggle financially when I did my internship. So, I ate less. I would skip breakfast, have a snack for lunch and ate very little for dinner. It has since continued. There are honestly days that I try not to eat so that my husband will have enough food. Even though we have food in the house. I am, again, teetering on the line between okay weight and underweight.

I see my flaws, all of them and it looms over me:
My thighs are big, my legs are too long, my toes look like monkey feet, my hair is a mess, my face broke out with acne, I have a bit of a stomach, my teeth aren't pure white, I have so many scars from the past and I bruise easily.

This week, I have been struggling, at work, to feel like I'm doing my job well. The way some people talked, I wasn't doing a very good job. Although other factors were involved with me not being able to complete my work, I'm never one for excuses.

I struggled this week, at home. We have been without a vehicle for over a year and I see how it affects my husband. Knowing that I am unable to provide that small luxury to him, for this long, makes me feel worthless. I work five to six days a week but when I'm home, I am lazy. I feel like society says that even if I work outside of the home, the home is still my domain and therefore I must cook, clean and take care of all of my famillies needs. My husband is sweet and keeps up on most of it. He never tells me that I have to clean or cook. I feel like I should. In that, it adds to the feeling that I am not a very good wife.

When he compliments me, I counter it with a flaw. He says he likes my legs, I say they are too fat. He says I'm perfect, I say I have a stomach, he says that's normal, I feel like I want to cry.

Then I read some notes that I had written on Facebook. I will have to re-post them here. They made me realize how I am to myself and I want to cry in shame. How long have I been writing these posts and I close out with "Remember you are beautiful and well loved" and here I am not believing that.

I struggle with how I see myself. I don't see myself in the way that everyone seems to see me. That's the truth. I don't say things to fish for compliments. When I am "down on myself" I truly believe what I say. I struggle with eating and I struggle with trying to please everyone and never feeling like I do. I don't expect anyone to understand but it is very real to me. My struggle is real and we all have our battles.

In the next few days, I will be publishing some of my notes and perhaps some poems I have written, to this blog. I know that it isn't yarn and I have been working on my yarn projects. I haven't really finished anything yet. I keep jumping projects. When I do finish them or start a new one, I will update the progresses.

Until then, if you will please remember that you are beautiful and well loved, I will try to remember too.

Please, feel free to write comments below, I always do enjoy hearing from you.

A lyric video of a song I turn to help me feel better.