Wedding Blanket- Finished!

Hey, there! I am so excited because I have been working on a blanket for someone who is getting married this year and I finally finished it. Seriously, I wove in the last end maybe fifteen minutes ago! I bought this pattern back in September,for $5. Nancy Liggins (I am in no way affiliated with her or her patterns) has many designs in her Ravelry shop and I have seen some of her blankets published on Mary Maxim. She is going places and isn't hard to see why. Her patterns are easy to follow. They are mostly charts, but she provides the number of stitches needed between the clusters.  I'm glad that I chose this pattern because I was really struggling with clusters/bobbles/popcorn stitches and after a couple months of doing them, I can do them quickly and without hurting my wrist!

I am wanting some of her other patterns but I'm also trying to focus more on some of my other unfinished projects (stuffed dino, playbook, three blankets and probably more to come) as well as my own pattern writing.

Speaking of pattern writing, I did write a Free pattern for a Holey-Moley Washcloth. That you could check out.

Feel free to leave comments, I do enjoy hearing from you. What projects have you recently finsished? Which ones are you working on?

Also, check out my other posts!

Please remember that you are beautiful and well loved.

Masterpiece

This is a poem that I wrote a few years ago. At the time, I was struggling, heavily, with how I looked and finding every flaw in myself. The other day, I went back and read some of my poetry, like I sometimes do and this little gem melted my heart and helped me see exactly how I want to see myself. The attitude that I/we should all have. It is one thing to want to be healthy it is another to criticize every minute detail. I worked very hard on this poem and most of the time I do not share my poetry with people. Please, do not copy this poem as your own. You may share it, but please, credit me for the work and heart poured into it.

Masterpiece

  Cassie Taber

Look at me!

Just look at the disaster I have become!

These colors don’t blend well.

The shape, here, just won’t do.

There are scratches that won’t fade

And spaces He didn’t fill.

The paint has bubbled here

And drips where it shouldn’t.

The colors are too pale,

Too bright or light for anyone to see

Yet, He calls me His masterpiece?

Some work of art I am!

I am nowhere near perfect.

There is so much that is wrong,

So much that I would change.

“But I’m not finished with you, yet,”

A gentle voice tells me,

Hurt by my thoughts

As a brush clinks against the jar that held it.

His steady hand guides the brush to my canvas.

Who am I to tell the artist

What is good and what needs to change

When I am the one who cannot see the whole picture?

After all, He calls me His masterpiece.

 

 

 

Feel free to leave comments below. I do always enjoy hearing from you. Also, check out my other posts!

 

Please remember that you are beautiful and well loved. 

The Struggle is Real

Warning: This post is not about crafts. This is some serious stuff.

I didn't realize, until last night, when I broke down in tears because I'm trying to juggle life and there may have been a few more lemons added to my pile, that I'm not who I was. In some ways I am:

I'm no where near perfect
I am independent to a fault
In my imperfections, I struggle.

Before my parent's divorce, I didn't see myself in bad light. I was starry eyed and believed what everyone said. I could take compliments. All that changed in the divorce. I'm not exactly sure when it was but I started seeing everything that was wrong.

My legs were too long, and thighs to big. So, I refused to wear shorts.
My feet are long, so I wore sneakers and kept my feet covered.
I refused to let anyone touch me. I refused to let anyone see me. I hated myself, how I looked. I hated it when people said "You look just like your mother/father" so I piled long sleeves and pans on. I didn't want to be noticed so I wore doofy glasses and I didn't give a care what anyone thought. I wasn't pretty. I didn't want to be pretty.

I wanted to be invisible for several reasons. I was happy when my classmates didn't know I existed when the subs called my name and I quietly raised my hand. I was happy when they didn't know me. I was invisible in the classroom. I felt unseen at home and to add to it, I literally began to fade into nothing. I stopped eating at school. I would go to the library during lunch hour. I barely ate at home, only when I felt shaky or my stomach hurt from having nothing for too long. When I was in High school, I weighed less than 100 pounds at 5'7".

When I came to college, I started to go to church. I wanted to take better care of myself so I asked people to help me remember to eat, every day. After attending church, for some time, I began to feel beautiful, not just because I was eating but because I truly believed that God had made me beautiful. I was that starry-eyed girl again. I didn't mind the hugs. I didn't mind the compliments, I knew my flaws but they didn't hang like a dark cloud, over me.

Then, I moved to a different town. I didn't have a church to go to (and I'm not saying that this is the church's). We began to struggle financially when I did my internship. So, I ate less. I would skip breakfast, have a snack for lunch and ate very little for dinner. It has since continued. There are honestly days that I try not to eat so that my husband will have enough food. Even though we have food in the house. I am, again, teetering on the line between okay weight and underweight.

I see my flaws, all of them and it looms over me:
My thighs are big, my legs are too long, my toes look like monkey feet, my hair is a mess, my face broke out with acne, I have a bit of a stomach, my teeth aren't pure white, I have so many scars from the past and I bruise easily.

This week, I have been struggling, at work, to feel like I'm doing my job well. The way some people talked, I wasn't doing a very good job. Although other factors were involved with me not being able to complete my work, I'm never one for excuses.

I struggled this week, at home. We have been without a vehicle for over a year and I see how it affects my husband. Knowing that I am unable to provide that small luxury to him, for this long, makes me feel worthless. I work five to six days a week but when I'm home, I am lazy. I feel like society says that even if I work outside of the home, the home is still my domain and therefore I must cook, clean and take care of all of my famillies needs. My husband is sweet and keeps up on most of it. He never tells me that I have to clean or cook. I feel like I should. In that, it adds to the feeling that I am not a very good wife.

When he compliments me, I counter it with a flaw. He says he likes my legs, I say they are too fat. He says I'm perfect, I say I have a stomach, he says that's normal, I feel like I want to cry.

Then I read some notes that I had written on Facebook. I will have to re-post them here. They made me realize how I am to myself and I want to cry in shame. How long have I been writing these posts and I close out with "Remember you are beautiful and well loved" and here I am not believing that.

I struggle with how I see myself. I don't see myself in the way that everyone seems to see me. That's the truth. I don't say things to fish for compliments. When I am "down on myself" I truly believe what I say. I struggle with eating and I struggle with trying to please everyone and never feeling like I do. I don't expect anyone to understand but it is very real to me. My struggle is real and we all have our battles.

In the next few days, I will be publishing some of my notes and perhaps some poems I have written, to this blog. I know that it isn't yarn and I have been working on my yarn projects. I haven't really finished anything yet. I keep jumping projects. When I do finish them or start a new one, I will update the progresses.

Until then, if you will please remember that you are beautiful and well loved, I will try to remember too.

Please, feel free to write comments below, I always do enjoy hearing from you.

A lyric video of a song I turn to help me feel better.